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Submitted on
December 26, 2012
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A sore demise to greet an end
When dawn rises and picks the sky
Of stars; and tremors are meant to rend,
Those innocents, unwitting of what's nigh,

Plucked first by calamitous notes
The gold of tumbling bedrock wall
And following, cheers from throats
Before both shaft and screams fall.

The irony of their chaos, they know
Is that amid the wealth of fellow man
Such riches cannot stave the final blow
Of hunger that never needs a plan;

It’s the patient traitor, the great need
Wasting man only second to greed.
The rich can't starve when they do nothing to deplete their fuel.
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:iconspiderlondon:
In the first stanza you messed up the last line 'cause it doesn't rhyme with 'sky'. Also with most poems it's always good to either end off the last word of every line with a semicolon, comma or period to show your going to another line. I could easily see what you were talking about in this poem and I have to admit I like it. You also made the poem like most famous poets do, you made it where the readers know that there is a hidden meaning in it and you have to read it enough times or with enough perspective to understand it. Most poets have a hard time with writing that way but you did wonderfully. Good job. Just work on the puntucation.
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:iconadonael:
Adonael Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
A nice piece of work, but I felt the rhythm in the first stanza was a bit jarring. Otherwise though, you personify some of the subjects in this poem very well :)
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:iconpsyghostis:
Psyghostis Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I'm inclined to agree. There's a lingering beat just after sky that makes one feel as if they're falling onto the next line, so to speak; though, ironically, I think it is because of the Of on the next line. To me, at least, that is where I feel the 'jar' most.

But thank you very much for the comment. :)
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:iconadonael:
Adonael Jan 12, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome. Thank you for considering my comment.
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:iconwallabiesarechipper1:
What a clever and meaningful message! Wonderfully done, indeed.
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:iconpsyghostis:
Psyghostis Dec 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much. :D
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